he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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