Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
3pm strippers are depressing
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
