You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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