You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm at about main and main street
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Someone came in the potted fern
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
