Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
