Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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