It's Friday. Sex?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
