It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
