bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
