i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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