Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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