You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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