put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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