Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
