I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
