i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
