I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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