i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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