At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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