Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
