Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
well you can't waste a boner
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
