I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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