I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
