i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
