Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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