I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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