The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
