I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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