i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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