after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
