Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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