yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
