In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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