you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
