You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
