My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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