u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
