my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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