Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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