this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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