forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
