I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
