if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
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