Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
