He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
