onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
