shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
