someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
