6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
