Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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